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ALL USED BOOKS IN VERY GOOD TO EXCELLENT CONDITION -- MANY LIKE NEW!

Humor

Santa Arrested... Story at 10 (USED)

Santa Arrested... Story at 10 (USED)

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Holiday stress can drive us all a little mad...but who knew how crazy people can actually get! This uproarious collection of 150 true stories is proof that not everyone is in the Christmas spirit during yule time. Taken from headlines around the world, this book contains all the hilarious and horrendous misdemeanors people have committed in the name of Saint Nick. From the ultimate neighborhood Grinch to a man filling his trunk with Toys for Tots, it'll make your petty family squalor seem like the call of Christmas angels.
Seven Years of Highly Defective People (USED)

Seven Years of Highly Defective People (USED)

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Warning: more stupidity ahead (also selfishness and horniness)

Nostradamus, step aside. Scott Adams has turned futurist and gives us a much needed look into his skewed crystal ball.

Here's a taste of what you'll learn in "The Dibert Future: "

in the future, life definitely won't be like "Star Trek" (or else we'd never leave the holodeck)

there will be a huge market for technology products that help workers goof off and still get paid

Internet capacity will increase indefinitely to keep up with the egos of the people using it

it will be increasingly easy to find customers gullible enough to buy any product, no matter how worthless and stupid it is

your competitors will remain just as clueless as your are

There's only one word to describe life in "The Dibert Future: " HILARIOUS.

Sh*t My Dad Says (USED)

Sh*t My Dad Says (USED)

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"This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society." --Chelsea Handler

Tuesdays with Morrie meets F My Life in this hilarious book about a son's relationship with his foul-mouthed father by the comedy writer who created the massively popular Twitter feed of the same name.

A few months ago, comedy writer Justin Halpern, 29, found himself living at home with his 73-year-old father after being dumped by his longtime girlfriend. Sam Halpern had never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he was smart enough to write down all the ridiculous things his dad said to him, like "The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit," and "The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2," and "Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies." These quotes, or philosophies, have become "Shit My Dad Says," a Twitter page that in less than a month was being followed by over 500,000 people, had spawned articles in newspapers and magazines, as well as inspiring calls from movie and television producers, celebrities, and just about everyone else who heard about the site.

SH*T MY DAD SAYS, Justin Halpern's first book, is a mix of his dad's quotations and longer-form essays in the vein of David Sedaris and Chelsea Hander. It is a hilarious, unforgettable account of a unique father-son relationship and the filthy words of wisdom that have defined it.

Si-cology: Tales and Wisdom from Duck Dynasty's Favorite Uncle

Si-cology: Tales and Wisdom from Duck Dynasty's Favorite Uncle

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You know him from the hit A&E(R) show Duck Dynasty(R)--now you can enjoy Uncle Si's tall tales, crazy exploits, and quirky one-liners in one raucous collection!

As you read this book, there are a few things you have to understand: 95 percent of my stories are truthful. Every member of the Robertson family has the God- given gift of storytelling. Hey, when you've sat in a duck blind for more than half of your life, you have to figure out some way to pass the time! It's better than looking at Willie and Jase for six hours! Many of the stories I like to tell happened when I was a young boy or when I was in Vietnam. At my age, a few of the details are cloudy, but I'll recollect the coming stories as best I can. Hey, just remember it isn't a lie if you think it's true! It's up to you, the reader, to figure out what's truth and what's fiction. Best of luck with that, Jack! May the force be with you.

Hey, another thing you have to know: my stories are kind of like my vocabulary. You might have noticed I like to say "hey" quite a bit. "Hey" can mean anything. It can mean "yes," it can mean "maybe," and it can mean "no." Hey, it could mean "next week." The bottom line is, you have to understand "hey" to understand me.

And if you know anything about Silas Merritt Robertson, you know I'm a hard rascal to figure out.

--From the Prologue

Snark

Snark

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- An acclaimed and thoughtful author: David Denby has been writing insightful film reviews since the 1970s. Formerly a columnist for The Atlantic and New York magazine, he has been with The New Yorker for the past decade. His nonfiction account of Western literature, Great Books, has been praised for its intelligence and breadth of scope..

- A biting polemic on the cultural tone of today: Snark tells the story of that nasty combination of snide and sarcasm that goes beyond irony and satire to just plain ugliness. Snark erupts from the mouths of politicians and pundits, from bloggers and newscasters, and from comedians too lazy to be truly funny. It's the cheap shot that hits below the belt. It's everywhere, and according to Denby, it's damaging to everyone it touches. .

Sour Grapes

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Speak Texan in 30 Minutes or Less (USED)

Speak Texan in 30 Minutes or Less (USED)

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In a parody of Berlitz phrasebooks, veteran Lone Star journalist Lou Hudson has spilled the beans on how best to wrap one's tongue around Texaspeak so that even recovering Yankees can make their way in this whole other country.

Finally there's hope for that brother-in-law from Hoboken and your banker from Duluth. Folks like them will be able to make themselves understood to Texans without having to revert to notepads and hand gestures.

Speak Texan not only is a pronunciation guide but also a handy work that provides numerous insights into Lone Star lingo and the thinking that goes behind it in a very entertaining format. It's designed to fit in the rear pocket of your Wranglers for a quick point of reference.

Hudson was born, weaned, and schooled in Texas and has never lived anywhere else. The rest of the book is pure de Texas too. Designer Ty Walls also is a lifelong Texan. The whole deal was printed and bound in Fort Worth. Can't get more Texan than that, surely.

Speak Texan is t

Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions (USED)

Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions (USED)

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Forgive him, Father, for Stephen Colbert has sinned. He knew it was wrong at the time. But he went ahead and did it anyway. Now he's begging for forgiveness. Based on his popular segment from The Late Show, Stephen Colbert and his team of writers now reveal his most shameful secrets to millions (although, actually, he'd like you not to tell anyone). Midnight Confessions is an illustrated collection of Stephen Colbert at his most brilliant and irreverent.
Strange Planet

Strange Planet

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#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER - #1 WALL STREET JOURNAL BESTSELLER - USA TODAY BESTSELLER

Straight from the mind of #1 New York Times bestselling author of NYC Basic Tips and Etiquette and 99 Stories I Could Tell Nathan W. Pyle, Strange Planet is an adorable and profound universe in pink, blue, green, and purple, based on the phenomenally popular Instagram of the same name!

Strange Planet covers a full life cycle of the planet's inhabitants, including milestones such as:

The Emergence Day
Being Gains a Sibling
The Being Family Attains a Beast
The Formal Education of a Being
Celebration of Special Days
Being Begins a Vocation
The Beings at Home
Health Status of a Being
The Hobbies of a Being
The Extended Family of the Being
The Being Reflects on Life While Watching the Planet Rotate









With dozens of never-before-seen illustrations in addition to old favorites, this book offers a sweet and hilarious look at a distant world not all that unlike our own.

I feel more attractive.
Honestly, you are.
It's the star damage.
I CRAVE STAR DAMAGE.


Stupid Cupid

Stupid Cupid

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What do you get when you mix a stand-up comedian, an English teacher, and a single mom in the on-line dating world? My sexual fantasy, but you also get Alison O'Donnell's literary masterpiece. The result is her "Self Help Comedy of Horrors". She has a black belt in comedy, and valuable scar tissue from well over 100 dates that she meshes together into hilarious and true stories that will have you firing beverages out of your nostrils with laughter. Make a date to read this book. Tom Cotter, As seen on the Tonight Show, Today Show, The Good Wife and Howard Stern Show Great book!!! LMAO!!! Funny, clever, witty and enlightening. My cheeks are still hurting. All four of them. Stupid Cupid is a cleverly written and funny awareness book illustrating the landmines of computer dating... Ms. O'Donnell's insightful and quick-witted perspective of the dating scene's trappings will enlighten any reader. A must have for any on-line (or potential) daters. Ed "The Machine" Regine, comedian, actor, writer
Stupid Science: Weird Experiments, Mad Scientists, and Idiots in the Lab (USED)

Stupid Science: Weird Experiments, Mad Scientists, and Idiots in the Lab (USED)

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New York Times best-selling humorist Leland Gregory chronicles laboratory experiments gone awry, modern-day mad scientists, and scientific mythconceptions inside Stupid Science. Consider these cases of misdirected human activity, each in the name of science:

* The Illinois Department of Conservation spent $180,000 to study the contents of owl vomit.
* Georgia State University psychology professor James Dabbs discovered in 1988 that trial lawyers have about 30 percent more testosterone in their bodies than normal people (regardless of gender). Dabbs stated in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology that high testosterone levels are often linked to aggressiveness and "antisocial behavior." We all knew that lawyers were full of something--now we know it's testosterone.

* What do stinky cheese and unclean feet have in common? They both attract mosquitoes according to a November 8, 1996 article from Reuters.

The Coloring Book (USED)

The Coloring Book (USED)

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From former SNL "Weekend Update" host and legendary stand-up Colin Quinn comes a controversial and laugh-out-loud investigation into cultural and ethnic stereotypes.

Colin Quinn has noticed a trend during his decades on the road-that Americans' increasing political correctness and sensitivity have forced us to tiptoe around the subjects of race and ethnicity altogether. Colin wants to know: What are we all so afraid of? Every ethnic group has differences, everyone brings something different to the table, and this diversity should be celebrated, not denied. So why has acknowledging these cultural differences become so taboo?

In The Coloring Book, Colin, a native New Yorker, tackles this issue head-on while taking us on a trip through the insane melting pot of 1970s Brooklyn, the many, many dive bars of 1980s Manhattan, the comedy scene of the 1990s, and post-9/11 America. He mixes his incredibly candid and hilarious personal experiences with no-holds-barred observations to definitively decide, at least in his own mind, which stereotypes are funny, which stereotypes are based on truths, which have become totally distorted over time, and which are actually offensive to each group, and why.

As it pokes holes in the tapestry of fear that has overtaken discussions about race, The Coloring Book serves as an antidote to our paralysis when it comes to laughing at ourselves . . . and others.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book) A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (USED)

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The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book) A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction; Teacher's Edition (USED)

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book) A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction; Teacher's Edition (USED)

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For everyone who was too cheap to buy the hardcover, the blockbuster, award-winning #1 New York Times bestseller is now in trade paperback-with a new introduction, fully updated, and with equally unsettling nude photos of the newest Supreme Court justices, and a text corrected by the most reputable college professor we could find/afford.

Jon Stewart, host of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning The Daily Show, and his coterie of patriots deliver a hilarious look at American government . . . Termed a "political king-maker" by Newsweek, and "the Dan Rather of infotainment" by Vanity Fair, Jon Stewart, along with the writers of The Daily Show, combines his riotous wit and razor-sharp insight in this hilarious book. American-style democracy is the world's most beloved form of government, which explains why so many other nations are eager for us to impose it on them, but what is it exactly?

In America (The Book), Jon Stewart and The Daily Show writing staff offer their insights into our unique system of government, dissecting its institutions, explaining its history and processes, and exploring the reasons why concepts like "One man, one vote," "Government by the people," and "Every vote counts" have become such popular urban myths.

The Daily Show(The Book):An Oral History as Told by Jon Stewart, the Correspondents, Staff and Guests (USED)

The Daily Show(The Book):An Oral History as Told by Jon Stewart, the Correspondents, Staff and Guests (USED)

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The complete, uncensored history of the award-winning The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, as told by its correspondents, writers, and host.

For almost seventeen years, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart brilliantly redefined the borders between television comedy, political satire, and opinionated news coverage. It launched the careers of some of today's most significant comedians, highlighted the hypocrisies of the powerful, and garnered 23 Emmys. Now the show's behind-the-scenes gags, controversies, and camaraderie will be chronicled by the players themselves, from legendary host Jon Stewart to the star cast members and writers-including Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Steve Carell, Lewis Black, Jessica Williams, John Hodgman, and Larry Wilmore-plus some of The Daily Show's most prominent guests and adversaries: John and Cindy McCain, Glenn Beck, Tucker Carlson, and many more.

This oral history takes the reader behind the curtain for all the show's highlights, from its origins as Comedy Central's underdog late-night program hosted by Craig Kilborn to Jon Stewart's long reign to Trevor Noah's succession, rising from a scrappy jester in the 24-hour political news cycle to become part of the beating heart of politics-a trusted source for not only comedy but also commentary, with a reputation for calling bullshit and an ability to effect real change in the world.

Through years of incisive election coverage, Jon Stewart's emotional monologue in the wake of 9/11, his infamous confrontation on Crossfire, passionate debates with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, feuds with Bill O'Reilly and Fox, the Indecisions, Mess O'Potamia, and provocative takes on Wall Street and racism, The Daily Show has been a cultural touchstone. Now, for the first time, the people behind the show's seminal moments come together to share their memories of the last-minute rewrites, improvisations, pranks, romances, blow-ups, and moments of Zen both on and off the set of one of America's most groundbreaking shows.

The Ecstasy of Defeat (USED)

The Ecstasy of Defeat (USED)

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The Sports Page As You've Never Seen It Before From painfully obvious steroid revelations to sex scandals and superstars who announce trades in over-the-top TV specials, the wide world of sports can often seem too ridiculous for words. Well, attention sports fans: In The Ecstasy of Defeat, the editors of The Onion offer the laugh-out-loud funny and long overdue lampoon of sports culture you've been waiting for. Filled with the very best of The Onion's bench-clearing sports coverage, this book includes such classics as:
  • Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down
  • Barry Bonds Took Steroids, Reports Everyone Who Has Ever Watched Baseball.
  • Report: Cheap Chinese NBA Players Falling Apart After A Few Seasons.
  • Barbaro's Doctors: "A Horse This Good You Don't Eat All At Once."
  • Lance Armstrong Wants To Tell Nation Something But Nation Has To Promise Not To Get Mad.
  • No topic escapes the satirical slap of America's Finest News Source, and the book covers not only mainstream sports--such as baseball, basketball, and football--but also lesser sports, sports culture, and special events like the World Cup and the Olympics. Featuring all the players, teams, and sports we love--and love to hate--The Ecstasy of Defeat is a must-read for sports nuts and Onion fans alike.
    The Far Side Gallery 2 (USED)

    The Far Side Gallery 2 (USED)

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    The second Far Side treasury.

    1986 FarWorks, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
    The Far Side and the Larson signature are registered trademarks of FarWorks, Inc.

    The New Yorker Cartoon Album ( 1975-1985) (USED)

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    The editors of The New Yorker have picked the best 382 cartoons from the decade of 1975 to 1985 which feature the style of Charles Addams and Jack Ziegler and chronicle the ironies of the shifting social scene. 382 illustrations.
    The Onion Book of Known Knowledge (USED)

    The Onion Book of Known Knowledge (USED)

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    Are you a witless cretin with no reason to live? Would you like to know more about every piece of knowledge ever? Do you have cash? Then congratulations, because just in time for the death of the print industry as we know it comes the final book ever published, and the only one you will ever need: The Onion's compendium of all things known.

    Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information -- such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With hundreds of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.

    The Quahog Walks Among Us (USED)

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    The Sixth Garfield Fat Cat 3-Pack (USED)

    The Sixth Garfield Fat Cat 3-Pack (USED)

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    In this collection we meet Garfield, the cat who's elevated eating and sleeping to an art. So whether he's squashing spiders, stalking a herd of wild doughnuts, or snoozing through a Monday, Garfield always brings a sense of fun to the proceedings.
    Thurber Carnival (USED)

    Thurber Carnival (USED)

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    "Mr. Thurber belongs in the great line of American humorists which includes Mark Twain and Ring Lardner. The" Carnival," by offering the cream of his work... indicates impressively the scope of his gifts."-- "Philadelphia Inquirer" "Thurber belongs in the great line of American humorists which includes Mark Twain and Ring Lardner. And the "Carnival, " by offering the cream of his work...indicates impressively the scope of his gifts." "--Philadelphia Inquirer"

    Titters: The First Collection of Humor by Women (USED)

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    Too Old for Myspace Too Young for Medicare

    Too Old for Myspace Too Young for Medicare

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    If you've bought Dark Side of the Moon on vinyl, eight track, cassette, CD, DVD, and MP3, then this book is for you.

    According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 330 people officially reach middle age with each passing hour.

    More Too Old for MySpace, Too Young for Medicare

    With generational icons like Jon Stewart, Molly Ringwald, and miscellaneous members of the Brat Pack now advancing into their 40s, suddenly middle age seems more synonymous with Generation X than the baby boomers of yesteryear.

    For those celebrating their official entry into middle age, or those just on the upper-thirty-something cusp, Joey Green offers dozens of defining characteristics that indicate you're likely too old for MySpace, but too young for Medicare:

    * You have a remote control that controls your remotes.

    * You went through childhood without an infant seat, airbag, or seatbelt-and lived to tell about it.

    * You remember when Coca-Cola was available in only one flavor.

    Truth about Santa, wormholes, robots, and what really happens on Christmas eve

    Truth about Santa, wormholes, robots, and what really happens on Christmas eve

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    The How to Survive a Robot Uprising of Christmas: a dynamically illustrated, futuristic case for the scientific possibility that Santa Claus really exists.

    We all know Santa Claus: fat, jolly, omniscient, swift. Lives in a nice home in the Arctic, with the missus and a pack of elves.

    Well, forget what you know. Santa Claus is from Greenpoint, Brooklyn, as it turns out, and he's not as fat as he used to be. Here's something else you didn't know: he's been dabbling in some futuristic technology, and has found myriad ways to make his job possible. How can Santa know who's been naughty and nice? Simple: implant listening devices into your ornaments. How can he make it to every house Christmas Eve? That's nothing a little cloning and some wormholes can't solve. And he has plenty of other tactics: quantum entanglement, organ replacement, drug-induced hibernation, and unmanned aerial vehicles, to name just a few.

    In this fantastically illustrated, affectionate, and hilarious book, Gregory Mone uses science and technology to overturn the assumption that Santa can't be real. Drawing on the work of accomplished scientists and researchers, Mone gives us a whole new portrait of this remarkable man and the miracles he makes happen every year. With imaginative artwork and an eye-catching package, this book makes an outstanding Christmas gift for just about anyone.

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    Truth With Jokes (USED)

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    The #1 New York Times bestseller by Senator Al Franken, author of Giant of the Senate

    Senator Al Franken's landmark bestseller, Lies (And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them): A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, was praised as a "bitterly funny assault" (The New York Times) that rang "with the moral clarity of an angel's trumpet" (The Associated Press). Now, this master of political humor strikes again with a powerful and provocative message for all of us.

    In these pages, Senator Franken reveals the alarming story of how:

    - Bush (barely) beat Kerry with his campaign of "fear, smear, and queers," and then claimed a nonexistent mandate.
    - "Casino Jack" Abramoff, the Republicans' nearest and dearest friend, made millions of dollars off of the unspeakable misery of the poor and the powerless. And, also, Native Americans.
    - The administration successfully implemented its strategy to destroy America's credibility and goodwill around the world.


    Complete with new material for this paperback edition, The Truth (with jokes) is more than just entertaining, intelligent, and insightful. It is at once prescient in its analysis of right-wing mendacity and incompetence, and inspiring in its vision of a better tomorrow for all Americans (except Jack Abramoff).

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    Uganda Be Kidding Me

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    In this uproarious collection of travel essays, Chelsea Handler sneaks her sharp wit through airport security and delivers her most absurd and hilarious stories ever.

    On safari in Africa, it's anyone's guess as to what's more dangerous: the wildlife or Chelsea. But whether she's fumbling the seduction of a guide by not knowing where tigers live (Asia, duh) or wearing a bathrobe into the bush because her clothes stopped fitting seven margaritas ago, she's always game for the next misadventure.

    The situation gets down and dirty as she defiles a kayak in the Bahamas, and outright sweaty as she escapes from a German hospital on crutches. When things get truly scary, like finding herself stuck next to a passenger with bad breath, she knows she can rely on her family to make matters even worse. Thank goodness she has the devoted Chunk by her side-except for the time she loses him in Telluride.

    Complete with answers to the most frequently asked traveler's questions, hot travel trips, and travel etiquette, none of which should be believed, Uganda Be Kidding Me has Chelsea taking on the world, one laugh-out-loud incident at a time.

    Uncivil War (USED)

    Uncivil War (USED)

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    More than 60 Civil War period illustrations from sources such as Leslie's and Harper's Weekly have been modified with cartoons to create a hilarious perspective on America's greatest conflict.

    Wall Street Woman: A Dating Life

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    WALL STREET WOMAN: A DATING LIFE IS A BESTIARY OF THE MEN IN THE ORBIT OF A SINGLE PROFESSIONAL WOMAN IN NEW YORK CITY. 

    This authoritative guide profiles men found almost exclusively in Manhattan, including the jet-setting Don Juan Dinero, the hip downtown artist The Visionary and the driven workaholic Treadmill. Others are universal types who are abundant in the big city: ladies' man Jack of Hearts, social climbing Club Cadet, ambitious Boy Wonder, aristocratic romantic Major Gelatin. 

    Some of these guys merely pass through town, like your high school boyfriend Teen Crush and the eternal dreamer Cloud Voyager. No guide would be complete without the men who are found anywhere and everywhere, such as the recently divorced Born Again Bachelor, very married philanderer Hopalong Husband, disappointed ex-professional Trainwreck and the deadly dull Dialtone. 

    Each man is thoroughly described so you can immediately recognize him - how he discusses his interests, presents his accomplishments, tells you he likes you, asks you to bed, and talks about your future together. Good reasons to date him are also proposed. 

    Finally, Mr. Right is celebrated in glorious detail. He's clearly worth waiting for. 

    When anyone asks, "Why aren't you married?" tell her to buy this book.

    Wallflower at the Orgy (USED)

    Wallflower at the Orgy (USED)

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    A bitingly funny, provocative, and revealing look at our foibles, passions, and pasttimes--from one of the most creative minds of our time.

    "Nora Ephron can write about anything better than anybody else can write about anything."--The New York Times

    From her Academy Award-nominated screenplays to her bestselling fiction and essays, Nora Ephron is one of America's most gifted, prolific, and versatile writers. In this classic collection of magazine articles, Ephron does what she does best: embrace American culture with love, cynicism, and unmatched wit. From tracking down the beginnings of the self-help movement to dressing down the fashion world's most powerful publication to capturing a glimpse of a legendary movie in the making, these timeless pieces tap into our enduring obsessions with celebrity, food, romance, clothes, entertainment, and sex. Whether casting her ingenious eye on renowned director Mike Nichols, Cosmopolitan magazine founder Helen Gurley Brown--or herself, as she chronicles her own beauty makeover--Ephron deftly weaves her journalistic skill with the intimate style of an essayist and the incomparable talent of a great storyteller.

    War Heads; Cartoonists Draw the Line (USED)

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    What would Susie Say?

    What would Susie Say?

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    Essays on a variety of topics from Susie Greene of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame and Susie Essman, both known for taking no prisoners and cutting the crap
    When Parents Text: So Much Said, So Little Understood (USED)

    When Parents Text: So Much Said, So Little Understood (USED)

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    A collection of insanely funny texts between parents and kids, When Parents Text is a surprisingly affecting window into the complicated time when parents aren't ready to let go, and kids aren't ready to be let go. The parents are well-meaning but hopeless, silly and a little corny, and befuddled by the technology. The kids are bewildered yet patient: the perfect straight man. And the authors, two recent college graduates, Lauren Kaelin and Sophia Fraioli, have an unerring editorial instinct to select the funniest, sweetest, quirkiest, most-telling exchanges.

    There's the revelatory: Mom: My fingers are saying words. This is amazing.

    The virtual scolding:
    Dad: I will deal with your sassy behavior when I get home. Meanwhile have some fiber.

    The autofill-challenged:
    Mom: dig up some tadpoles on ur way homo. Me: ummm, what? Mom: It autocorrected me. I mean to say dig up some tadpoles on ur way homo. (4 minutes later) Mom: PICK UP SOME TAMPONS ON YOUR WAY HOME.

    The manically inappropriate:
    Mom: Woo Hoo--Ruth died, you know Uncle Lyman's wife, BUT I have your Braves tickets and check on the table!!

    And the downright inexplicable:
    Dad: You could poop your pants in the yankee candle store and no one would know.

    Launched as a website just last year, www.whenparentstext.com is a phenomenon. It receives 300,000 to 500,000 page views a day, with features in The Huffington Post, Entertainment Weekly, College Humor, and more. When Parents Text includes the best of texts from the website, plus more than 50 percent all-new material never before published.

    Includes an emoticon glossary and 16-page color insert of MMS texts-- multimedia messaging service, aka, bizarre photos from mom and dad. It's the perfect gift for every text-savvy kid to give to his or her parents.
    When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops (USED)

    When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops (USED)

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    On the heels of George Carlin's #1 New York Times bestseller Napalm & Silly Putty comes When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? -- infused with Carlin's trademark irreverent humor and biting cultural observations. Here we go again . . . George Carlin's hilarious When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? offers his cutting-edge opinions and observational humor on everything from evasive euphemistic language to politicians to the media to dead people. Nothing and no one is safe! Despite the current climate of political correctness, Carlin is not afraid to take on controversial topics:
  • Carlin on the media: The media comprises equal parts business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business. Nice combination. Enough bull for Texas to open a chain of branch offices.
  • Carlin on the battle of the sexes: Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
  • Carlin on hygiene: When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwich have to be wearing gloves? I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want glove residue all over my food; it's not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been?
  • Carlin on evasive language: Just to demonstrate how far using euphemisms in language has gone, some psychologists are now actually referring to ugly people as those with "severe appearance deficits." Hey, Doctor. How's that for "denial"?
  • Carlin on politics: No self-respecting politician would ever admit to working in the government. They prefer to think of themselves "serving the nation." To help visualize the service they provide the country, you may wish to picture the things that take place on a stud farm.
  • The thinking person's comic who uses words as weapons, Carlin puts voice to issues that capture the modern imagination. For instance, why are there Ten Commandments? Are UFOs real? What will the future really be like? This brand-new collection tackles all that and more. In When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Carlin's razor-sharp observations demolish everyday values and leave you laughing out loud--delivering exactly what his countless fans have been waiting for.
    Whose Boat Is This Boat

    Whose Boat Is This Boat

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    100% of The Late Show's proceeds from this book go to disaster relief.

    Whose Boat Is This Boat? Comments That Don't Help in the Aftermath of a Hurricane is a picture book made entirely of quotations from President Donald Trump in the wake of Hurricane Florence. It is the first children's book that demonstrates what not to say after a natural disaster.

    On September 19, 2018, Donald Trump paid a visit to New Bern, North Carolina, one of the towns ravaged by Hurricane Florence. It was there he showed deep concern for a boat that washed ashore. "At least you got a nice boat out of the deal," said President Trump to hurricane victims. "Have a good time!" he told them. The only way his comments would be appropriate is in the context of a children's book--and now you can experience them that way, thanks to the staff of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

    Whose Boat Is This Boat? is an excellent teaching tool for readers of all ages who enjoy learning about empathy by process of elimination. Have a good time!

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    Why don't Cats Like to Swim? (USED)

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    Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
    Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit(R) gum?
    Why do people cry at happy endings?
    Why do you never see baby pigeons?

    Pop-culture guru David Feldman demystifies these topics and so much more in Why Don't Cats Like to Swim? -- the unchallenged source of answers to civilization's most perplexing questions. Part of the Imponderables(R) series, Feldman's book arms readers with information about everyday life -- from science, history, and politics to sports, television, and radio -- that encyclopedias, dictionaries, and almanacs just don't have. Where else will you learn what makes women open their mouths when applying mascara?

    World According the Rick (Rick and Morty)

    World According the Rick (Rick and Morty)

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    A must-have gift book: the wit, wisdom, and frequent diatribes of mad scientist Rick Sanchez of Adult Swim's Rick and Morty, the Emmy-winning, #1 animated series on TV.

    Finally, from the self-appointed "Most Intelligent Being in the Multiverse" Rick Sanchez of Rick and Morty: a mind-bending collection of his innate and acquired wisdom.

    Each season, Rick and his grandson Morty embark on thrilling earthly and intergalactic adventures, all for the benefit of science (and Rick's inflated ego). But what makes the depraved genius tick? Now Rick is eager to impart his unique (and sometimes disturbing) take on life, love, and everything in-between for the benefit of aspiring mad scientists everywhere.

    Fully illustrated with color images from the show, The World According to Rick is a collection of Rick's most famous (and not so famous) sayings, monologues, and quotes, complete with a personal introduction by the mad man himself. A truly unique and special book, this collectible is sure to become a cult favorite like the show that inspired it.

    RICK AND MORTY, ADULT SWIM, the logos, and all related characters and elements are trademarks of and (c) 2018 Cartoon Network.

    Would You Rather...? (USED)

    Would You Rather...? (USED)

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    Would You Rather...? takes the idea of parlor game questions to a new level of debate and lunacy. It's a chunky book of 400 questions that range from the heinous to the nauseating to the downright disturbing, each a field-tested conversation starter--because no matter how strange or far-fetched, Would You Rather...? knows that choice provokes thinking, and thinking is fun.

    Some questions, like a Rorschach test, reveal values: Would you rather . . . Age only from the neck up -OR- age only from the neck down? Be stupid and rich -OR- smart and poor? Some delight in their own grossness: Eat three earthworms -OR- wear a necklace made of them on your wedding day? Be trapped in an elevator with wet dogs -OR- three fat men with bad breath? Some churn up prejudices: Lose your mate to the same sex as yourself -OR- the opposite sex? Some create that squirming sensation: Get a bad case of poison ivy way up inside your nose -OR- inside your inner ear? Or ethical dilemmas: Be president of a firm that poaches endangered species -OR- work for a corrupt politician? And some are just deliciously absurd: Catch a porcupine thrown from a second-story window -OR- a skunk thrown from the same window? Each question is followed up with related, often off-the-wall information, from odd trivia to dumb jokes to the occasional practical advice (go for the skunk--the porcupine's got 30,000 quills, while tomato juice will take away the skunk smell).

    You're a Vampire: That Sucks! (USED)

    You're a Vampire: That Sucks! (USED)

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    Being bitten by and turned into a vampire isn't the glitz and glamor that Hollywood makes it out to be. In fact, one out of five newly turned vampires will succumb to a slew of easily avoidable and common pitfalls within their first few months as a nightwalker--tempting garlic-laced Italian food, silver jewelry, and anything with an SPF below 1,000 will have to go.

    As an answer to this tragic loss of undead life, "Count Domenick Dicce has written the definitive how-to guide that just might save your pale, ice-cold skin. This helpful tome will cover everything from Vampire 101--such as hunting, feeding, and getting used to your new powers--to Vampire Graduate Studies--such as coffin selection, the ghoulish world of vampiric social hierarchy, and the universal Laws of the Vampire.

    This humorous and giftable guide will be perfect for you or the vampire nut in your life, complete with illustrations throughout.

    Zombie Combat Field Guide

    Zombie Combat Field Guide

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    The Zombie Combat Manual provided potential zombie fighters with comprehensive instructions on how to do battle in the inevitable outbreak of an undead plague. However, even the most comprehensive advice is useless without study and practice.

    Thus, the Institute for Undead Combat Studies has created an essential field handbook to help combatants of the walking dead hone their fighting skills, ensuring maximum preparedness for the zombie apocalypse. This interactive guide includes:

  • Detailed technique illustrations, anatomical diagrams, and zombie combat drawings you can color
  • Puzzles and brain exercises to help remember key combat terminology
  • Work pages on making the right choices during an undead outbreak
  • and much more!

  • Anyone can become an effective warrior against the walking dead. Make sure you're ready to fight when the time comes--or prepare to join the zombie horde...