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Humor
Remember the debt crisis? The worst economic crisis in America since the Great Depression. The United States almost went under.
People say it was caused by the federal government forcing poor people to own their own homes. Were they nuts? Everyone knows that poor people can't own their own homes. That's why we have projects. That's why we have trailer parks. That's why we have shelters.
Well it's going to happen all over again. Poor people are saying there aren't any apartments they can afford anymore, and banks won't help them buy trailers. So they are trying to own homes again. Don't fall for it! It will bring the economy down again. Here's the proof!
This is the true story of Alice, a poor person, who wanted to buy a home the last time around.
Four decades after the sexual revolution, nothing has worked out the way it was supposed to. The sexes are circling each other as uneasily and comically as ever, from the bedroom to the boardroom to the Situation Room, and now the "New York Times" columnist who won a Pulitzer Prize in 1999 for saucy and incisive commentary about the dangerous liaisons of Bill, Monica, Hillary and Ken Starr digs into the Y and X files, exploring the mysteries and muddles of sexual combat in America.
In a new book filled with chapters that surprise and amuse, Dowd explains why getting ready for a date went from glossing and gargling to Paxiling and Googling; why men are in an evolutionary and romantic shame spiral; why women have reeled backward in many ways; why men may be biologically unsuited to hold higher office, given their diva fits and catfights, teary confessions and fashion obsessions; why women are fixated on their looks more than ever, freezing their faces and emotions in an orgy of plasticity that makes the Stepford Wives look authentic; why male politicians and male institutions get tripped up in so much monkey business; why many alpha women, from Martha to Hillary, can have a successful second act only after becoming humiliated victims; and why the new definition of Having It All is less about empowerment and equality than about flirting and getting rescued, downshifting from "You go, girl!" to "You go lie down, girl."
In addition, Dowd, who has reported on historic moments on the sexual battlefield, from Geraldine Ferraro's vice-presidential run to the Anita Hill-Clarence Thomas hearings to Hillary Rodham Clinton's reign as copresident, explores not only how many of these shining feminist triumphs backfired on women but also how Hillary, a feminist icon busy plotting her campaign to be the first woman president, delivered the final blow to female solidarity herself.
Women's liberation has been less a steady trajectory than a confusing zigzag. Feminism lasted for a nanosecond and generated a gender tangle that has bewitched, bothered and bewildered men and women for forty years. Now comes a woman to cut through the tangle and tickle Adam's rib. The battle of the sexes will never be the same.
Within these pages, Grier imagines being called to serve in President Obama's cabinet as the "secretary of mirth"; takes you to a wild and emotional election night party he hosted that didn't go as planned; explains the true meaning of the "magical Negro"; recalls the formative episodes from his life -- including being rejected by the Black Panthers at their headquarters door and turning down the initial offer to work on "In Living Color" -- and for the first time ever sneaks you backstage at "Dancing with the Stars," where he exposes the inner workings of the show -- the camaraderie between dancers and stars, the excruciatingly painful rehearsals, the outrageous preparations, and each hysterical moment of his four-episode appearance and subsequent public meltdown.
Grier unabashedly muses on politics, culture, and race while recounting his own life story in this edgy, timeless, hilarious, and revelatory memoir and look at all things Barack.
"Barack Like Me" is David Alan Grier at his best -- the man, comic, and twenty-first-century thinker -- funny, brilliant, and original.
A follow-up to the New York Times bestselling The New Rules, The New New Rules delivers a series of hilarious, intelligent rants on everything from same-sex marriage to healthcare, from Republican agendas to celebrity meltdowns, with all the razor-sharp insight that has made Bill Maher one of the most influential comedic voices shaping the political debate today.
With another presidential campaign on the horizon and a stellar set of real-life characters to have fun with - "New Rule: If Charlie Sheen's home life means he can't have a TV show, then I say Newt Gingrich can't be president." This enlightening and important book may be the best thing you pretend to read all year.
"'IN SEARCH OF EXCELLENCE, MEETS 'CATCH 22"- Elaine T., exec at a large knowledge-based firm.
FUNNY AS HELL AND WAY-l'M SORRY-WAY TOO REAL." - Terri B., Former manager, M&A arm of a major telecommunications firm
AS YOU READ EACH CHAPTER, YOU CAN SEE IT COMING. AT LEAST, I CAN SEE IT NOW. BUT BACK WHEN IT HAPPENED TO ME, I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING AT ALL." - Paul M., line manager at a large manufacturing firm that's gone private
IF YOU'VE BEEN THERE, YOU GET IT. IF YOU HAVEN'T, YOU DON'T. SHOULD BE MANDATORY READING FOR B-SCHOOL, SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GET TING INTO." - Ellen M., retired exec, multinational financial firm
'THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN CHART. THERE'S NO METRIC. IT JUST SEEPS ITS WAY INTO EVERY CORNER OF THE CORPORATION. AND THEN IT FLUSHES ITS WAY OUT THROUGH THE MARKET." - Mike T., Former Harvard economist
"TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN!" - Walter A., media content provider
"THIS IS EXACTLY HOW WE GOT TO WHERE WE ARE." - John P., exec at large manufacturing firm
IT'S THE JAMES JOYCE ULYSSES OF THE MIDDLE MANAGER. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SHOW IS, OR WHAT SCENE YOU'RE IN, OR WHAT THE RIGHT LINES ARE, OR WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING NEXT, OR WHAT IT ALL MEANS. YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THAT SOMETHING'S HAPPENING. THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND IT'S NOT ALWAYS FUNNY." - Chris R., SVP at a large financial institution
"THE BALLAD OF THE HIGH-PERFORMING BABY BOOMER. THANK GOD I RETIRED IN THE 1980S. THANK GOD I INVESTED IN ZERO COUPON TREASURIES AND DIVIDEND STOCKS. I WISH YOU ALL LUCK." -Retired CEO of a large corporation
"SIX SIGMA ON ACID." -Steve J., computer design engineer
With five previous books and more than 1.5 million copies sold, The Darwin Awards is a pop culture phenomenon. Honoring those who improve the species by accidentally removing themselves from it, The Darwin Awards countdown (to human extinction) is well under way-and we won't exit this mortal coil without one last laugh. In "The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction," readers will find all-new stories chronicling humans who step onto the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, including:
? Nine no's with power tools
? Eight ways to incinerate yourself
? Seven safety warnings you should not ignore
? Six romance tips for "safe" sex...
Featuring illustrations and brilliant science-of-evolution essays, this latest volume of "The Darwin Awards" enumerates just how uncommon common sense still is.
From summer camp's unlimited Pop-Tarts to the post-coital breakfasts of a well-traveled actress-waitress and the frustrating payback of cooking for some finicky offspring of the author's own, Dirty Sugar Cookies is an omnivorous, hilarious chronicle of culinary awakening.
Ponder, if you will
What happens to your Social Security number when you die?
Why are peanuts listed as an ingredient in plain M&Ms?
Why is Barbie's hair made out of nylon, but Ken's hair is plastic?
What makes up the ever-mysterious "new-car smell"?
Pop-culture guru David Feldman demystifies these topics and so much more in Do Penguins Have Knees? -- the unchallenged source of answers to civilization's most perplexing questions.
Part of the Imponderables(R) series, Do Penguins Have Knees? arms readers with the knowledge about everyday life that encyclopedias, dictionaries, and almanacs just don't have. And think about it, where else are you going to get to the bottom of how beer was kept cold in the Old West?
In this latest cartoon compilation, Dilbert's canine sidekick, the Machiavellian Dogbert, presents a breakthrough management manual to help bosses stick it to their employees. All too often, new managers make mistakes like rewarding good work with good pay, communicating clearly and improving departmental efficiency. Dogbert shows that this could have devastating results: Employees begin to expect fair treatment and compensation, productive workers show results (making the managers look bad by comparison) and the department's future budget allotment could be decreased because it spends only what it needs.
Drawn from years of experience tormenting Dilbert and advising his boss, "Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook" uses pithy essays, whose points are illustrated with hundreds of comic strips, to drive home the lost cause of the employee in the workplace. It is the perfect gift for bosses and office workers everywhere."[Adams] turns the powerful searchlight of his intelligence on management, seeking its very essence. Think of him as Peter Drucker with fleas." "--Fortune"
"I am nowconvinced 98% of the managers I've worked for have read this book and taken Dogbert's advice." "--USA Today"
After two weeks of hard work, they had their book. EARTH (The Book) is the definitive guide to our species. With their trademark wit, irreverence, and intelligence, Stewart and his team posthumously answer all of life's most hard-hitting questions, completely unburdened by objectivity, journalistic integrity, or even accuracy.
In this one-of-a-kind book, we get the undiluted David Brinkley. He marvels at government regulations that require paint cans to bear a label reading "Do not drink paint." He reminisces about a White House that once welcomed casual picnickers on its lawn. He observes that "if we can put a man on the moon, we could put Congress in orbit." He skewers lawyers, bureaucrats, Washington insiders, hypocrites of all stripes. He commemorates absurdity--and hence suffers fools gladly. This collection is Brinkley at his unbeatable best.
PURRING GUNS
From SPAS-12-toting Siamese and AK-47-flashing Norwegian Forest Cat to Colt 45-carrying Tonkinese and a Beretta-brandishing Russian Blue, this book exposes with pictures the shocking love affair between furry felines and high-powered firearms.
Many secret habits of felines have previously been revealed, including their motivations for painting, the stuff they wear, and their laugh-out-loud language. But until now, no book has dared explore the shadowy world of armed-to-the-teeth kittens described and pictured in "From My Cold Dead Paws." Like strawberries and cream, hot dogs and baseball, apple pie and illegal fireworks, cats and guns make perfect partners. From Colt 45carrying calico and Glock-toting tabby to Uzi-brandishing Siamese and AKSU-flashing Siberian, this book presents the shocking intersection of America s love affairs with cuddly pets and purring guns. A photographic celebration of the independent nature of cats, "From My Cold Dead Paws" offers full descriptions of each breed and gun, including color, coat type, pattern, caliber, barrel length, and muzzle velocity. Adding to the readers' enjoyment is a dynamic, full-color design with guns, bullets, and targets firing all over the pages.
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Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella are back with another collection of warm and witty stories that will strike a chord with every woman. This four book series is among the best reviewed humor books published today and has been compared to the late greats, Erma Bombeck and Nora Ephron. Booklist raved of the third book in the series, Meet Me At Emotional Baggage Claim, "readers can count on an ab-toning laugh session, a silly giggle, a sympathetic sigh, and a lump in the throat as life's moments are rehashed through the keen eyes and wits of this lovable mother-daughter duo." This fourth volume, Have a Nice Guilt Trip, maintains the same sterling standard of humor and poignancy as Lisa and Francesca continue on the road of life acquiring men and puppies. Ok, to be honest, Lisa is acquiring the puppies, while Francesca is lucky enough to have dates with actual men. They leave it to the listeners to decide which is more desirable and/or or easier to train.
Time, I'd look just like Cher did
Before surgery. In Hot Flash Haiku, you'll find 200 funny and frank, punny and profound poems designed to delight women of a certain age. Hot flashers Jennifer Basye Sander and Paula Munier have divided this hilarious and moving collection by the five stages of grief, alternately laughing and lamenting about such ageless topics like love, sex, children, death, taxes, and life in general on the far side of forty. Hot Flash Haiku: Because you're hot and you know it!
Does a day at the office leave you exhausted? It's because you're fighting off predators from one minute to the next. If you hope to survive, you had better be able to recognize them, and fast!
The most deadly is the CEO. He or she chooses the hunting ground and the rules of engagement. The CEO may be the flamboyant big-spending-big-living Jim Fizz, the uninspiring bureaucrat, Chief Dumpling or the sneaky Spector.
As their prey, you are ambushed, at least once a day, by your All Star Boss - the charming lazy Handicap, martinet Dwight Debit, workaholic Treadmill, stifling Den Mother, terrified Chicken Little, hired gun Wyatt Earp or the deeply venomous Dick Dujour.
Just about every hour, attacks come at you from every direction, launched by your All Pro Colleagues. Watch out for teacher's pet Deputy Tool, malicious mis-informer Jerry Malaria, bionic blob Chuck Yeast, territory-grabbing Max Pilfer, and the man who would be chairman, E. Bunsen Burner III.
You would think that your subordinates would help you defend your position against all this villainy. Nope! Ever heard the term "ankle-biter?" Just when you've defused the latest crisis from your boss and blunted the latest charge from your colleagues, who steps up the attack from behind? The insatiably needy Tar-Pit, or the party animal Boom-Boom, the sabotage expert-Termite, the WTF? UFO, and the perpetually aggrieved and noisy Affidavit.
Yes, in order to survive each day, you need to know who they are. You need to know what they say, what they do and how they do it. And you need to see what they look like. This astonishing field guide to the corporate office includes their pictures. Perfect to use as dartboards in your home rec room.
A hilarious, revealing look behind the history and culture of American late-night TV, by a longtime comedy writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Ever since Johnny Carson first popularized the late-night talk show in 1962 with The Tonight Show, the eleven p.m. to two a.m. comedy time slot on network television has remained an indelible part of our national culture. More than six popular late-night shows air every night of the week, and with recent major shake-ups in the industry, late-night television has never been more relevant to our public consciousness than it is today. Jon Macks, a veteran writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, takes us behind the scenes of this world for an in-depth, colorful look at what really makes these hosts the arbiters of public opinion.
From the opening monologue what s funny, what s dangerous, what s untouchable to the best vs. worst guests, Macks covers the landscape of late-night comedy and punctuates the narrative with hysterical personal anecdotes, shining the spotlight on some of the very best late night jokes, and drawing from more than half a million of his own jokes written over the span of twenty years. With an insider s expertise and a laugh-out-loud voice, Macks explains how late-night TV redefines the news and events of any given day, reshapes public opinion, and even creates our national zeitgeist."
You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.
Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.
This book is full of ballsy commentary from internationally acclaimed super-intellectuals on all of the best Onion articles (indexed for your convenience at the back). You could repeat some of these comments as if you'd just thought of them, at a party or something where everyone suddenly runs out of things to say.
On an ordinary afternoon in the third-baseline seats of Yankee Stadium, Plimpton hits on what seems an inspired idea - to get on the mound and pitch a few innings to the All-Stars of the American and National Leagues. What begins as a fun-filled stunt, for the average man to pitch in the Big Leagues, comes to a nearly humiliating end. This honest and hilarious tale features Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin, Willie Mays, Ernie Banks, Whitey Ford, Ralph Houk, Richie Ashburn, and other baseball greats. What happens when America's favorite sports dilettante tries his arm against the likes of Hall-of-Fame baseball players recalls the dreams of diamond heroics of every man who still has the noble heart of youth beating in him and the fears of anyone who has taken a lump or two from life.
