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Humor
Remember the debt crisis? The worst economic crisis in America since the Great Depression. The United States almost went under.
People say it was caused by the federal government forcing poor people to own their own homes. Were they nuts? Everyone knows that poor people can't own their own homes. That's why we have projects. That's why we have trailer parks. That's why we have shelters.
Well it's going to happen all over again. Poor people are saying there aren't any apartments they can afford anymore, and banks won't help them buy trailers. So they are trying to own homes again. Don't fall for it! It will bring the economy down again. Here's the proof!
This is the true story of Alice, a poor person, who wanted to buy a home the last time around.
Four decades after the sexual revolution, nothing has worked out the way it was supposed to. The sexes are circling each other as uneasily and comically as ever, from the bedroom to the boardroom to the Situation Room, and now the "New York Times" columnist who won a Pulitzer Prize in 1999 for saucy and incisive commentary about the dangerous liaisons of Bill, Monica, Hillary and Ken Starr digs into the Y and X files, exploring the mysteries and muddles of sexual combat in America.
In a new book filled with chapters that surprise and amuse, Dowd explains why getting ready for a date went from glossing and gargling to Paxiling and Googling; why men are in an evolutionary and romantic shame spiral; why women have reeled backward in many ways; why men may be biologically unsuited to hold higher office, given their diva fits and catfights, teary confessions and fashion obsessions; why women are fixated on their looks more than ever, freezing their faces and emotions in an orgy of plasticity that makes the Stepford Wives look authentic; why male politicians and male institutions get tripped up in so much monkey business; why many alpha women, from Martha to Hillary, can have a successful second act only after becoming humiliated victims; and why the new definition of Having It All is less about empowerment and equality than about flirting and getting rescued, downshifting from "You go, girl!" to "You go lie down, girl."
In addition, Dowd, who has reported on historic moments on the sexual battlefield, from Geraldine Ferraro's vice-presidential run to the Anita Hill-Clarence Thomas hearings to Hillary Rodham Clinton's reign as copresident, explores not only how many of these shining feminist triumphs backfired on women but also how Hillary, a feminist icon busy plotting her campaign to be the first woman president, delivered the final blow to female solidarity herself.
Women's liberation has been less a steady trajectory than a confusing zigzag. Feminism lasted for a nanosecond and generated a gender tangle that has bewitched, bothered and bewildered men and women for forty years. Now comes a woman to cut through the tangle and tickle Adam's rib. The battle of the sexes will never be the same.
When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power -- vodka. You would too if you found out that your boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you had to pretend to be honeymooning with your father in order to upgrade to first class. Welcome to Chelsea's world -- a place where absurdity reigns supreme and a quick wit is the best line of defense.
In this hilarious, deliciously skewed collection, Chelsea mines her past for stories about her family, relationships, and career that are at once singular and ridiculous. Whether she's convincing her third-grade class that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter in the sequel to "Private Benjamin, " deciding to be more egalitarian by dating a redhead, or looking out for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little person who looks just like her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into the most outrageous situations. "Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea" showcases the candor and irresistible turns of phrase that have made her one of the freshest voices in comedy today.
Within these pages, Grier imagines being called to serve in President Obama's cabinet as the "secretary of mirth"; takes you to a wild and emotional election night party he hosted that didn't go as planned; explains the true meaning of the "magical Negro"; recalls the formative episodes from his life -- including being rejected by the Black Panthers at their headquarters door and turning down the initial offer to work on "In Living Color" -- and for the first time ever sneaks you backstage at "Dancing with the Stars," where he exposes the inner workings of the show -- the camaraderie between dancers and stars, the excruciatingly painful rehearsals, the outrageous preparations, and each hysterical moment of his four-episode appearance and subsequent public meltdown.
Grier unabashedly muses on politics, culture, and race while recounting his own life story in this edgy, timeless, hilarious, and revelatory memoir and look at all things Barack.
"Barack Like Me" is David Alan Grier at his best -- the man, comic, and twenty-first-century thinker -- funny, brilliant, and original.
A follow-up to the New York Times bestselling The New Rules, The New New Rules delivers a series of hilarious, intelligent rants on everything from same-sex marriage to healthcare, from Republican agendas to celebrity meltdowns, with all the razor-sharp insight that has made Bill Maher one of the most influential comedic voices shaping the political debate today.
With another presidential campaign on the horizon and a stellar set of real-life characters to have fun with - "New Rule: If Charlie Sheen's home life means he can't have a TV show, then I say Newt Gingrich can't be president." This enlightening and important book may be the best thing you pretend to read all year.
New York Times Bestseller (Humor)
"The book everyone is laughing about!"--Joe Scarborough, Morning Joe
For two centuries, presidents hoping to secure their legacies have sought out biographers. But who could possibly capture the inspiring yet bizarre reality of the first black man to call the White House his crib, a tenure that brought hope, change, and health care to millions, but also spawned birthers, backlash, and the bewildering rise of Donald Trump? Thankfully, as the end of President Barack Obama's pioneering two terms in office drew near, the First Lady had a stroke of genius: "Honey, all these presidential biographies are written by old white guys. Why not hook a brother up for once?"
Enter D.L. Hughley. When the comedy legend got the call from the White House, he knew this was the assignment of a lifetime. Of course he would become a political biographer: what else could his decades of experience bringing unflinching truth and hilarity to the American people have been building toward?
And so D.L. proudly raised his finger to "The System"* and set out to record a true and accurate** oral history of the Obama years, interviewing everyone from Obama's esteemed Democratic colleagues in Washington to Republican pols who dare not speak his name and segments of the "conservative base" who have irrefutable proof that Obama is a Kenyan-born Muslim and Saddam Hussein's second cousin thrice removed AND a Coldplay fan. Protected by the Patriot Act and the promise of a presidential pardon, Hughley bitch-slapped virtually every rule of journalism in pursuit of his mission: hacking into Hillary Clinton's private e-mail server; infiltrating Trump's tanning sessions; staking out each of Mitt Romney's 752 mansions; even eavesdropping on Bill Clinton's late-night escapades.
At the end of it all, Hughley had bravely assembled an explosive dossier that would make Edward Snowden (and even the NSA) blush. Black Man, White House is the culmination of these extraordinary comedic efforts, an authoritative work on the Obama presidency that is destined to enlighten and entertain patriots, scholars, and Yes-We-Can'ers for generations to come.
*The Dewey Decimal system.
**What, librarians? Go ahead and try to shelve this book in fiction.
"'IN SEARCH OF EXCELLENCE, MEETS 'CATCH 22"- Elaine T., exec at a large knowledge-based firm.
FUNNY AS HELL AND WAY-l'M SORRY-WAY TOO REAL." - Terri B., Former manager, M&A arm of a major telecommunications firm
AS YOU READ EACH CHAPTER, YOU CAN SEE IT COMING. AT LEAST, I CAN SEE IT NOW. BUT BACK WHEN IT HAPPENED TO ME, I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING AT ALL." - Paul M., line manager at a large manufacturing firm that's gone private
IF YOU'VE BEEN THERE, YOU GET IT. IF YOU HAVEN'T, YOU DON'T. SHOULD BE MANDATORY READING FOR B-SCHOOL, SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GET TING INTO." - Ellen M., retired exec, multinational financial firm
'THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN CHART. THERE'S NO METRIC. IT JUST SEEPS ITS WAY INTO EVERY CORNER OF THE CORPORATION. AND THEN IT FLUSHES ITS WAY OUT THROUGH THE MARKET." - Mike T., Former Harvard economist
"TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN!" - Walter A., media content provider
"THIS IS EXACTLY HOW WE GOT TO WHERE WE ARE." - John P., exec at large manufacturing firm
IT'S THE JAMES JOYCE ULYSSES OF THE MIDDLE MANAGER. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SHOW IS, OR WHAT SCENE YOU'RE IN, OR WHAT THE RIGHT LINES ARE, OR WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING NEXT, OR WHAT IT ALL MEANS. YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THAT SOMETHING'S HAPPENING. THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND IT'S NOT ALWAYS FUNNY." - Chris R., SVP at a large financial institution
"THE BALLAD OF THE HIGH-PERFORMING BABY BOOMER. THANK GOD I RETIRED IN THE 1980S. THANK GOD I INVESTED IN ZERO COUPON TREASURIES AND DIVIDEND STOCKS. I WISH YOU ALL LUCK." -Retired CEO of a large corporation
"SIX SIGMA ON ACID." -Steve J., computer design engineer
The Far Side and the Larson signature are registered trademarks of FarWorks, Inc.
With five previous books and more than 1.5 million copies sold, The Darwin Awards is a pop culture phenomenon. Honoring those who improve the species by accidentally removing themselves from it, The Darwin Awards countdown (to human extinction) is well under way-and we won't exit this mortal coil without one last laugh. In "The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction," readers will find all-new stories chronicling humans who step onto the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, including:
? Nine no's with power tools
? Eight ways to incinerate yourself
? Seven safety warnings you should not ignore
? Six romance tips for "safe" sex...
Featuring illustrations and brilliant science-of-evolution essays, this latest volume of "The Darwin Awards" enumerates just how uncommon common sense still is.
Cubicle-dwelling business people the world over have been knowingly nodding, faithfully push-pinning their favorite strips to their cube walls, and--most of all--belly laughing out loud ever since Dilbert first arrived on the scene. In this collection, Excuse Me While I Wag, Dilbert and his look-alike dog, Dogbert, once again provide comic relief to anyone who has ever had to inhabit a cubicle, endure an "initiative of the week," or simply work in an office that has, on occasion, caused them to pull out large clumps of their hair. Scott Adams' dead-on humor in Excuse Me While I Wag is sure to satisfy the hordes of fans worldwide who avidly follow the misadventures of Dilbert, Dogbert, Catbert, Ratbert, the pointy-haired boss, and the rest of the cast of characters in Dilbert's world--a world that's eerily like the one we work in daily.
From summer camp's unlimited Pop-Tarts to the post-coital breakfasts of a well-traveled actress-waitress and the frustrating payback of cooking for some finicky offspring of the author's own, Dirty Sugar Cookies is an omnivorous, hilarious chronicle of culinary awakening.
Ponder, if you will
What happens to your Social Security number when you die?
Why are peanuts listed as an ingredient in plain M&Ms?
Why is Barbie's hair made out of nylon, but Ken's hair is plastic?
What makes up the ever-mysterious "new-car smell"?
Pop-culture guru David Feldman demystifies these topics and so much more in Do Penguins Have Knees? -- the unchallenged source of answers to civilization's most perplexing questions.
Part of the Imponderables(R) series, Do Penguins Have Knees? arms readers with the knowledge about everyday life that encyclopedias, dictionaries, and almanacs just don't have. And think about it, where else are you going to get to the bottom of how beer was kept cold in the Old West?
In this latest cartoon compilation, Dilbert's canine sidekick, the Machiavellian Dogbert, presents a breakthrough management manual to help bosses stick it to their employees. All too often, new managers make mistakes like rewarding good work with good pay, communicating clearly and improving departmental efficiency. Dogbert shows that this could have devastating results: Employees begin to expect fair treatment and compensation, productive workers show results (making the managers look bad by comparison) and the department's future budget allotment could be decreased because it spends only what it needs.
Drawn from years of experience tormenting Dilbert and advising his boss, "Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook" uses pithy essays, whose points are illustrated with hundreds of comic strips, to drive home the lost cause of the employee in the workplace. It is the perfect gift for bosses and office workers everywhere."[Adams] turns the powerful searchlight of his intelligence on management, seeking its very essence. Think of him as Peter Drucker with fleas." "--Fortune"
"I am nowconvinced 98% of the managers I've worked for have read this book and taken Dogbert's advice." "--USA Today"
After two weeks of hard work, they had their book. EARTH (The Book) is the definitive guide to our species. With their trademark wit, irreverence, and intelligence, Stewart and his team posthumously answer all of life's most hard-hitting questions, completely unburdened by objectivity, journalistic integrity, or even accuracy.
A: Well, that's difficult to say. I haven't read it yet--I've just picked it up and casually glanced at the back cover. There clearly isn't a plot. I've heard there's a lot of stuff about time travel in this book, and quite a bit about violence and Garth Brooks and why Germans don't laugh when they're inside grocery stores. Ralph Nader and Ralph Sampson play significant roles. I think there are several pages about "Rear Window "and college football and "Mad Men "and why Rivers Cuomo prefers having sex with Asian women. Supposedly there's a chapter outlining all the things the Unabomber was right about, but perhaps I'm misinformed.
Q: Is there a larger theme?
A: Oh, something about reality. "What is reality," maybe? No, that's not it. Not exactly. I get the sense that most of the core questions dwell on the way media perception constructs a fake reality that ends up becoming more meaningful than whatever actually happened. Also, Lady Gaga.
Q: Should I read this book?
A: Probably. Do you see a clear relationship between the Branch Davidian disaster and the recording of Nirvana's "In Utero"? Does Barack Obama make you want to drink Pepsi? Does ABBA remind you of AC/DC? If so, you probably don't need to read this book. You probably wrote this book. But I suspect everybody else will totally love it, except for the ones who totally hate it.
In this one-of-a-kind book, we get the undiluted David Brinkley. He marvels at government regulations that require paint cans to bear a label reading "Do not drink paint." He reminisces about a White House that once welcomed casual picnickers on its lawn. He observes that "if we can put a man on the moon, we could put Congress in orbit." He skewers lawyers, bureaucrats, Washington insiders, hypocrites of all stripes. He commemorates absurdity--and hence suffers fools gladly. This collection is Brinkley at his unbeatable best.
The Far Side and the Larson signature are registered trademarks of FarWorks, Inc.
The Far Side and the Larson signature are registered trademarks of FarWorks, Inc.
PURRING GUNS
From SPAS-12-toting Siamese and AK-47-flashing Norwegian Forest Cat to Colt 45-carrying Tonkinese and a Beretta-brandishing Russian Blue, this book exposes with pictures the shocking love affair between furry felines and high-powered firearms.
Many secret habits of felines have previously been revealed, including their motivations for painting, the stuff they wear, and their laugh-out-loud language. But until now, no book has dared explore the shadowy world of armed-to-the-teeth kittens described and pictured in "From My Cold Dead Paws." Like strawberries and cream, hot dogs and baseball, apple pie and illegal fireworks, cats and guns make perfect partners. From Colt 45carrying calico and Glock-toting tabby to Uzi-brandishing Siamese and AKSU-flashing Siberian, this book presents the shocking intersection of America s love affairs with cuddly pets and purring guns. A photographic celebration of the independent nature of cats, "From My Cold Dead Paws" offers full descriptions of each breed and gun, including color, coat type, pattern, caliber, barrel length, and muzzle velocity. Adding to the readers' enjoyment is a dynamic, full-color design with guns, bullets, and targets firing all over the pages.
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Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella are back with another collection of warm and witty stories that will strike a chord with every woman. This four book series is among the best reviewed humor books published today and has been compared to the late greats, Erma Bombeck and Nora Ephron. Booklist raved of the third book in the series, Meet Me At Emotional Baggage Claim, "readers can count on an ab-toning laugh session, a silly giggle, a sympathetic sigh, and a lump in the throat as life's moments are rehashed through the keen eyes and wits of this lovable mother-daughter duo." This fourth volume, Have a Nice Guilt Trip, maintains the same sterling standard of humor and poignancy as Lisa and Francesca continue on the road of life acquiring men and puppies. Ok, to be honest, Lisa is acquiring the puppies, while Francesca is lucky enough to have dates with actual men. They leave it to the listeners to decide which is more desirable and/or or easier to train.
Time, I'd look just like Cher did
Before surgery. In Hot Flash Haiku, you'll find 200 funny and frank, punny and profound poems designed to delight women of a certain age. Hot flashers Jennifer Basye Sander and Paula Munier have divided this hilarious and moving collection by the five stages of grief, alternately laughing and lamenting about such ageless topics like love, sex, children, death, taxes, and life in general on the far side of forty. Hot Flash Haiku: Because you're hot and you know it!
Lying is like 95% of what I do. But believe me: in this book, I'll let you know exactly how to become a master spy just like me. Obviously, you won't be as good at it as I am, but that's because you're you, and I'm Sterling Archer.
I know, I know, it sucks not being me.
But don't beat yourself up about it, because I'm going to show you all the good stuff--what to wear; what to drink; how to seduce women (and, when necessary, men); how to beat up men (and, when necessary, women); how to tell the difference between call girls and hookers (hint: when they're dead, they're just hookers) and everything about weapons, secret devices, lying ex-girlfriends, and turtlenecks. In a word? How to Archer.
